Possible Tensions And Conflicts

Finding the way out

Seeking help from Above

Finding a shelter

Walking out

Finding comfort and strength

Japan has become so much of a society of nucleus families whereas parents in Singapore on the whole are still respected. My husband practiced regular giving of money to parents and our weekly visit to them is mandatory. Having lived alone and away from home for several years and hardly visited my family even when living in Japan, I found this family expectation very difficult to accept. This became the constant source of discord between us.

Privacy vs Family Values

Especially when I had to work up to Saturday morning with only Sunday off, we went to Eric's parent’s home without fail after morning church service and Sunday school. Sometimes we even stayed late till evening and this went on until Eric's parents passed away.

In addition the family members also often got together for meals for all occasions such as nephew and niece’s birthday. And on major festivals such as mid-autumn and Chinese New Year, family members would buy packs of moon cakes, and Chinese New Year goodies for our family. This became another source of conflict as my children and I did not like moon cakes and we inevitably ended up giving away the cakes. While I learned to appreciate their goodwill, I could not accept the fact that our saying “No” meant nothing to them. Japanese, I felt, would never impose on anything when we know the other party really does not want it.

It takes a long time for conflicts of such to be neutralised. As I live in Singapore longer and observed more of these family issues, I realized Singapore’s family state was healthier than Japan. Filial piety, for one, is still more evident in Singapore than in Japan.

Manners, Courtesy and Sincerity

The distinct difference between Singapore and Japan in terms of fashion is that older people dress better in Japan than in Singapore. And among the young, there is a prevailing casualness in Singaporean’s manner and dressing.

My first resistance was the way Singaporeans ate. They would leave skins, bones and the unwanted on the table shared with others. Japanese would have a plate for that. They put the hand poking on the table as they eat. Besides, now no more, but 25 years ago, at hawker centers, they put dirty dishes in a big pail to wash, even in front of the customers.

When I first attended a wedding, I was shocked to see some guests wearing even jeans and T shirts. In Japan, a wedding is usually the most solemn occasion and visitors would dress up in their finest attire.

I was also surprised that in offices, ladies do not wear stockings. This is unheard of in Japan. It was quite a sight to me that career women wore a dress, yet put on a slipper-like sandals, without stocking. At one time I even also saw a lady walking in the wet market area with all the curls on her hair, and in pajamas!